Anahara Exoplium Chapter 0 rough copy, please rip it apart

So a couple notes before I get to chapter 0. It's designed to be a chapter you can skip from the main story if you want, that merely contains a lot of the set up for the main story, including a good chunk of set up for a later chapter which goes back to this setting as the main story is set in a different universe. This is a very rough draft (as should be obvious by the fact I have stuff like (insert last name) in there still lol) thus I know it might not be the best read. Also I kind of expect a lot of people to dislike the main character in this because he comes off as nearly perfect. That is actually mostly set up for the later chapter, as while my main character is quite talented, in the new setting he ends up in after chapter 0 most of the things he is good at no longer matter. Thus it should be much easier to like him then as he should be more relatable then. It's actually somewhat modeled after Detective Conan where you take a character who is good at everything and put him in a situation where a lot of things are beyond his control now. With Jack it's really more of he good at most things, but only great at a few (most of which aren't in the new universe). The story as a whole is rather anime shonen like but instead of focusing on battles it focuses on characters and the color gray. A lot of times things love to make it clear cut, this person is evil, black, this person is good, white, well I don't like that, in general my characters are very gray. Don't get me wrong there are planned battles, in fact there are even eventually dungeons, but I never want pure fighting to be the main conflict ect.

anyways feel free to rip things apart, I could use feed back on some stuff. I know there are a number of things that need to be worked on (it's a rough draft) but I am curious how others feel compared to what I know needs to be worked on right now.

Also at the end is a chapter guide. Something I currently have included in most of my chapters to keep track of information I need to look up quickly as my story quickly becomes complex when it comes to making sure everything tracks and that I can freely pull characters back if I want to. You can feel free to ignore it, but it actually does have information not present in the chapter (no spoilers for future parts though as the info needs to stay in order as well.) Anyways, here is Anahara Exoplium Chapter 0.


since my formatting goes away when I paste I guess...
google docs to the rescue
Anahara Exoplium Chapter 0

I hope anyone who read it doesn't feel like it's the worst thing they ever read lol, but it clearly doesn't move at a fast pace as it's really only the length of 1/60th to 1/100th of the full story (it's a long journey from start to finish lol)

man I can't even get someone to tell me my writing sucks

once inktober is over I may have free time for it... unless I do NaNoWriMo again >.>

My most commonly told lie is telling people I will read their work and then put it off until I forget. Please continue poking me until I read the story and give you feedback. After all, it is how i get feedback from you guys

LegendX48 wrote:once inktober is over I may have free time for it... unless I do NaNoWriMo again >.>

ill totally be doing a fake version of NaNoWriMo this year where i attempt to do 50k words of my rewrite of this lol, part of the reason I wanted feedback was that.