Gen Chat 03: The Laughing man

-Mazer wrote:Guys, I am finally trying to break out of my writer's block. Please lemme know thoughts on the altered opening to my Mazer book...

Many a good person have turned cruel due to the anger that lies within their hearts and minds.

awkward sentencing, consider people instead of singular person when speaking of "many"

Such is the state of Galuaf Winchester. Sitting alone inside of a gloomy tavern in the middle of the night, this young man struggles with the rage within his own heart. Despite the sorrow etched upon his face he wants naught
to cry instead desiring that of revenge.

incorrect use of "naught" use not, and rework the section after cry,the sentence feels like it needs a comma

Vengeance. To seek out the one who has caused him such heartache and end his life.

awkward sentence, I get that you're trying a certain tone, but the repetition and construction of the sentence are flawed

Something as simple as slitting a man's throat became as terrible as sinking one's own teeth into that very throat; to taste the man's life force as it sprayed from torn flesh, to feel the pulse as it slowed to a crawl. He wanted to gouge out the man's eyes, castrate him, tear out his heart. He wanted to tie the man up and torture him for days on end.

expand more to get insight into Gulaf, this is our first time with him

Such was anger.

Such was rage.

consider adding "his"

It blinded his sensibilities.

add a line break to separate the angry section from the lazy section


For what purpose did it serve for a member of the artisan guild to weld a sword?

you should make clear that this is a question he asks himself directly to clarify it instead of leaving it to the 3rd person narrator

His lips twisted into a feral grin.

To defend those you love, he answered.

He laughed.

"Galuaf?" the bartender - Thane - asked.

Galuaf peered up from his mug of ale. "Fate's a bitch, isn't she?"

"How do you mean?"

Galuaf grinned wide enough to show teeth. "Think about it. I didn't take my training seriously so she decided to teach me a lesson. 'Oh, look at you, Galuaf. You don't think you need to know how to properly defend yourself? Let's take away the woman you love and see how seriously you take things after.'" He laughed again. "Pretentious bitch."

add more detail to Gulaf's voice to nail down all that anger you mentioned previously


Thane, to his credit, poured Galuaf another beer.

[b]to his credit is a bit unnecessary at this point since we barely know Thane. Alternatively, try another adjective to indicate the emotional state



And a grisly murder it was.

this is a tricky bit. Normally convention asks that writers not start sentences with "And". It's not unheard of by any stretch. That said this sentence and the proceeding one are so short it's hard to justify breaking them apart as it messes with the flow.


he mumbled from around the cork.

[b]awkward phrasing


Anger is a fascinating emotion. It has the power to cloud one's mind; to make him do things, thing thinks that he would normally never do. It drives one to cheat on their spouse just as easily as it encourages one to take the life of another.



"Wait!" Galuaf said. He dropped his knife as he pulled himself up to his feet. His knees buckled and threatened to give way but he propped himself heavily upon the wall. "Wait. What did you mean by having 'other options'?"


Galuaf suddenly felt very tired. "Because I can't," he sighed. "I'm not strong enough." He felt the knife slip through his fingers to clatter against the ground. He took his eyes off the creature to stare at the knife.

CONTINUITY ERROR

-Mazer wrote:
Then get posts saying " your rig must suck because it works flawless on mine" or "eeveryone is over reacting. Gsme works flawlessly for me"

-Mazer wrote:Biggest reason to hate pc gaming community

1000000000 people posting problens w game.


Then get posts saying " your rig must suck because it works flawless on mine" or "eeveryone is over reacting. Gsme works flawlessly for me"

LegendX48 wrote:

-Mazer wrote:Biggest reason to hate pc gaming community

1000000000 people posting problens w game.


Then get posts saying " your rig must suck because it works flawless on mine" or "eeveryone is over reacting. Gsme works flawlessly for me"

I have never actually seen posts like that outside of obvious sarcasm or joke posts ._.

I'm glad I've never seen the groups you guys have >.>

-Mazer wrote:Yay. Finally get to enjoy MKX in 1080p. Plus Jason...^_^ He's pretty fun though one of his fatalities is pretty weak

Luna wrote:
I know, right? I remember when I was first building a pc, I looked online and posted for help and people helped me out. Issues with games, same. You guys have awful luck picking places for help.

Cybersix wrote:

Luna wrote:
I know, right? I remember when I was first building a pc, I looked online and posted for help and people helped me out. Issues with games, same. You guys have awful luck picking places for help.

I think it's that they focus on the negative experiences and completely throw out the positive ones.

Spoiler:

-Mazer wrote:
what positive ones?

Luna wrote:

*shun's mazar*

Luna wrote:So many. D: